马男波杰克第五季

我不是个苛责的人，但是这一季有些许失望。

人物间联系的紧密性和关联性都降低了，而且还是在探讨一些前几季的老梗，缺乏那种感动和纠结。

波杰克，我们已经陪伴他很久，我觉得他应该学会担当和改变，没人会对一个死不悔改的渣男有太多的耐心。

相比于过去总能截图作为金句保存的前几季，这一季有点小失望。

纠结了许久，给3星，期待提高。

焦虑的斑马波波是第七集戴安的心理医生英迪拉为了和她老婆讨论患者八卦时波杰克的化名。

马男波杰克——如果你已经看完了整部剧集——在这一部剧中不再像以前那么浑浑噩噩了，但在结局依然搞砸了一切。简单地总结起来就是：波杰克以主角出演了一部后来大热的侦探剧，这部剧的剧情就如马男前几季的剧情，吉娜（戴安）试图接近警探菲尔伯特（波杰克）并找出有关他老婆死因的真相（波杰克生活的真相）接着到了第二季，吉娜发现菲尔伯特原来是人格分裂症患者，他才是杀死他妻子以及许多朋友的凶手（戴安包括剧里的其他角色知道了马男所做的所有坏事）。而这一剧情反转对于菲尔伯特的效果就像陶德在第三季第十集结尾对马男说出的那一段爆炸性台词：

没错，在第五季重新做人的马男，又开始被他以前做的那些shitty things困扰了。本季第六集母亲的葬礼stand-up comedy和第十集戴安和马男的争吵甚至在剧本里给马男下套这些剧情加剧了马男的自责，再加上马男天生不善于把自己的痛苦展露给别人，不愿意和朋友谈论这些事情，于是他又开始投向毒品的怀抱。

就像在酒桌上喝酒如饮水吨吨吨的中年男人一样，马男寄希望于毒品和酒精之类的快感以冲淡中年危机带给他源源不断的痛苦。美国的一部纪录片《面具之下》提出由于典型的masculine概念深入人心，很多男性没有方法去表达自己内心的苦闷，于是他们偏执地独自忍耐下去，就如波杰克的父亲在第6集开头告诉他的道理：“你不能依赖任何人”，很多男性观众会觉得这种说法无比熟悉吧，就像小时候我们会被教导的：“像个男人”、“不要像女孩一样哭鼻子”，在这样教导下成长的男性，如果生活遇到了困难，他们通常拥有两种选择：

1. 对身边人发泄（通常是自己的妻子和孩子）

2. 对自己发泄（导致严重的心理问题）

因为在男性的世界里是很少有像“去找心理咨询师治疗”、“和朋友倾诉自己生活中的伤痛”这样一般女性会选择的选项。“男人”一开始就是“顶天立地”的形象，不论流多少血都能和生活逆境战斗到最后一刻的生物。在父权社会里，他们是把整个社会撑起来的人，也同时是家庭的顶梁柱。但是这样的“男权”给男性带来的真的是好处吗？

那些在酒场豪饮的中年男人、那些在商业会所陪客户唱着卡拉OK的中年男人、那些在厕所里呕吐甚至是在医院里住院的中年男人又是多少人的父亲呢？他们经常出门躲避的是什么？是你。或者可以说，他躲的是一段健康的、正常沟通的情感。因为这不符合社会给他们定下的形象，他们从没被教导过如何成为一个能够正常表达负面情绪的人类。

回到bojack，他在第五季从来没有和吉娜谈过任何心里的不安，而PC由于领养孩子太忙了所以无暇照顾马男，那么bojack这个巨婴就留给了戴安（同时也是戴安得知马男在新墨西哥和17岁少女可能有染的时候）但由于戴安不愿意照顾他，甚至在剧本里混入了马男曾经真实说过的台词，使他再次被懊恼和痛苦包围。如此一来，第五季的最后，波杰克首先选择了第一个选项：把自己内心的痛苦推向其他人，觉得是有人要破坏“吉娜的幸福”（其实就是他当时得到的简单又复杂的幸福）最终在演戏的时候差点掐死吉娜。第二季被砍之后又转身向戴安要求执行第二个选项：让戴安写文章披露自己，也就是伤害他自己。

于是在本剧的最后一小段，戴安（出于愧疚？）试图帮助波杰克走出这种“定式思维”并给出了一个新的选项：“戒毒所”，有点像是心理咨询的存在。

马男又质疑：“如果我戒毒之后，我还是像以前一样那么糟糕怎么办？那我还不如回家”

戴安说：“听着，你有两个选项，你可以回家，试图以你的方式去做你一生以来一直在做的那些事情，或者你可以看看这些人能做什么。”

这也给男性观众提供了一条新的思路：为何要执着于封闭自己，把所有的伤痛都用酒精或者毒品掩盖？你本可以试试看其他人能为你做什么。而不是成为父权社会的一个消耗品，一个抑郁的电池。这也是全剧最女权的一部分了。

看来前五集本来觉得这一季有点走低，还在想bojack怎么变得不愤世嫉俗了。第六集看得我泪流满面，这还是我熟悉的那个神剧！每次这部剧里有关原生家庭的描写都能引起我很大触动，可能我跟bojack一样，都是在原生家庭中被伤害过的小孩。

第六集整一集都是马男在母亲葬礼上的eulogy。马男的妈妈是个刻薄冷漠又神经质的人，对小bojack从来的都是打击嘲讽，所以长大后的他才这么愤世嫉俗，没有责任感，敏感又痛苦。Bojack人生中一个很大的课题就是想得到母亲的认可，就算在致悼词的时候他还在耿耿于怀母亲最后说的“I see you”是什么意思。从没被看见过的小孩终其一生都在等待着被看见。可惜的是母亲不会因为他的渴望而改变，最后等待他的还是失望。最痛苦的是母亲已经去世了，连这点等待的希望也终于破灭。冷酷的世界就这样告诉他，算了吧，你的父母不可能认可你赞许你，我想这可能是最悲哀最伤感的事之一了。

但是我最受触动的是Bojack回忆母亲跳舞的那一段话。Bojack的母亲会定期跟朋友们聚会，聚会的结尾她总会跳一段舞。这个时候平时总是酗酒暴躁的父亲也会停止抱怨，静静的看着妻子舞蹈，小Bojack也忘了对双亲的畏惧，感受着这一点“从溺水的生活中透气”的时光。舞蹈结束，生活恢复原来的样子，依然充斥着酒精和争吵，仿佛这一点心灵相通的瞬间从来没存在过。家人在一起就是互相伤害。

我想这是比“父母从来没看到过你”更痛苦的事。明明是因为爱在一起，明明心中仍有爱，但是我们却因为曾经受到过的贬斥和伤害把自己层层包裹起来，为了保护自己，同样用伤害回击给别人。家庭成了互相投射心灵最黑暗的负面情绪的场所，只有在忘了自我保护的时候，才散发出这一点点爱，就像砂砾中的金子一样，支撑着人继续忍受日复一日的痛苦。

每个被原生家庭伤害过的小孩可能都问过自己，“我爱我的父母吗？”。可能我们对父母的感情并没有那么纯粹，是一种复杂的多也深沉的多的情感。我的爸爸跟Bojack的爸爸有些地方有点像。他曾经离开了很稳定的事业单位的工作去做一个更自由的创作者。不过我从来没看过他的作品，他似乎也不是很在意家人的评价。我还能记得我小的时候拿他的书玩，他很不耐烦的呵斥我的样子。写错了一个字被他骂“完蛋”的样子。他也喜欢旅游，很早就走过国内的很多地方，但是他并不喜欢跟别人一起走，只喜欢自己出去玩。我有时候觉得家人的存在对他也许是种拖累，他本来可以当个更自由更快乐的人。也许是生活和家庭都不如意，他也有酒精方面的问题。有一次喝多了朝我扔一个很重的挂饰，差点砸到我。现在每次想到这个场景我都抑制不住的痛苦愤怒。但是我又永远记得我小时候刚上学的时候不会削铅笔，他就每次都削好十只给我带着，他的手指头很粗，削铅笔的时候却特别灵活，削好的铅笔头又长又细。我也还记得他带我到书店买凡尔纳全集，一边买一边得意的说：这套书很好看，你一定喜欢看。我写的东西，画的东西就算很糟糕他看到了都会很惊喜的夸我几句。我小的时候对他有很多怨言，总觉得他无视我的想法（就像很多中式家庭的家长一样）。长大之后稍微理解了他，他也有他自己糟糕复杂的原生家庭，虽然他从来不跟我说（可能觉得我的意见不重要，我毕竟永远是个“小孩”）。没人教过他怎么处理情绪，怎么表达爱，所以他只好像绝大多数代代相传的中国家庭传统那样，用挑剔，控制，打压表达爱。

虽然在一定程度上理解了他，但是我依然没法表达我自己的爱。想要表达的时候，总会想起我灰暗焦虑的童年，像一只战战兢兢的小兽，不知道什么时候就会被骂，只好蜷缩自己缩小存在感。又有时候跟父母展示自己，想要像Bojack一样被看到，但是得到的打击远远多过肯定。时时刻刻处在畏惧和恐惧之下。每当我想跟父母和解，对他们说些好话的时候，这个受伤的小兽就会提醒我它的存在，让我觉得和解就是对不起那个曾经承受过这么多痛苦的自己。所以我也继承了这个家庭里代际间的创伤，学会了说伤人的话，把爱包裹在层层的自我保护之下，用一种扭曲的方式表达出来。

但是也有爱闪耀的时刻，就像Bojack妈妈跳舞的时候那样。春天花开的时候，我们家总要一起去公园赏花，走在耀眼阳光下，缤纷花丛间，我爸妈仿佛也忘了相互之间的陈年旧恨，就像一对恩爱多年的夫妇那样，互相拍照，聊天，调笑，欣赏美景。我给他们照相，三个人一起大笑。这是我记忆里为数不多的鲜明的记忆。在那一刻在我们之间，没有伤害和痛苦，只有纯粹的爱意在流动。每次想起这样的瞬间我都觉得温暖，就算游玩之后回家他们之间还是会因为做饭之类的事大吵一架，搞得好几天不跟对方说话。也许爱的力量太强大了，抵得过许多次伤害，就因为这样闪耀的瞬间，让我可以继续在接下来灰暗的日子里默默忍受，直到现在。

我想这也许就是人生的意义之一，感受爱，给出爱。但这也是最难的课题之一。也许只有最勇敢的人才能宽恕，宽恕曾经伤害自己的人，无视可能会受到的更大的伤害，无惧的表达出最真实的感觉，对我们在意的人说出“我爱你”。所幸的是我父母还身体健康，我还有机会继续修习这门课直到毕业。希望有一天我能对我的父母说：我能看到你，我爱你。到那时候我内心受伤的小兽应该就已经不会继续悲伤了吧。

前几季人物立住了 这一季终于开始放肆探索讲剧情了 之前总有一种为了丧而丧的嫌疑 看完感觉像一拳打在心上 软绵绵的但是胸闷 一段时间就没什么感觉了 这季打完这拳还会在心里拧几下 而且台词也不再是大段的毒鸡汤说教了 正常真实了很多

以前看完只有一种情感就是同情马男——他也没办法吧这样想 这季是真的为之生气 尤其是他们跟记者解释掐人事件时马男为了自己心里舒坦非要说出真相 马男活得痛苦就理所当然地脆弱发疯不承担责任 可是还有比他活得更艰难的人 他们在不得不坚强活着承受自己的痛苦的同时还要无端端地再加上 因为马男的任性所带来的 本不用承担的痛苦 而且他们甚至没有资本去使用酒精毒品来逃避 即便如此 正因为他们遭受了更多的苦难所以他们又都知道马男也不是故意的 就像我前几季感受到的 他们知道对于马男这个人来说 他做出这样的事也是没办法的结果 马男没办法不这样 于是他们包括我虽然又气又恨 可还是怪罪不了他 不过我产生这样的感受也可能是等第五季期间看事物的角度变化了 之前也有只是我没感受到

最让人震惊的是花生酱和黛安居然已经结婚十年了 原来马男的世界里时间活得这么快 轰隆隆 人生几十年就这么过去了 看那些人物谈到的记得的对于他们人生有着影响的事也就那么几件 连起来不过是几季电视剧 时间一直在给我们机会 重新站起来的机会 只是我们从来没成功过罢了

I have never been at the top of the world ever since.

最后黛安送马男去戒毒所 这是第一次季终是带有希望的结局吧 马男加油哇 黛安加油哇

另外看到有人说这季前面不错后面一般 其实我倒觉得每一集都各有特点 越看到后面越觉得叙事方式多变新奇到这个程度 太牛逼了吧！而且片头片尾都好用心 配乐太好听了 希望能出原声带！

没错，大热的美剧《马男波杰克》于上周五回归了，Netflix还是豪爽的一次性放出了十二集，相信不少小伙伴把周末的时间都用在了上面。豆瓣上的评分目前停留在9.3，IMDB本季平均分8.89，高于全集平均分8.5，口碑热度都在持续上涨中。

马男系列，一直以来都以独特的‘丧’闻名海内外。出自马男波杰克的截图不知道养活了多少朋友圈鸡汤和微博段子手。在这个时代大多数的影视作品都追求爽快刺激，间或满足一下人们的英雄梦想，从前段时间大热的碟中谍到漫威十年布局的复仇者联盟，走的都是这个路数。也有一些片子幽默搞怪，吐槽辛辣，让人在轻松中逃避现实，美国动画常青树南方公园和著名美剧生活大爆炸都是此中好手。但所有这些片子来来回回都只在讲述一个主题，看久了未免审美疲劳。马男偏偏逆其道行之，讲述的故事却是生活。

马男故事的结构并不复杂，故事的主角马男波杰克是一个过气的好莱坞电视剧演员，自从二十多岁时出演了著名连续剧Horsing Around以后就再也没有能够在事业上取得巅峰。随着岁月的消逝和经纪人不断的催促打气，他终于决定停止自己的恶性循环，开始找代笔出版自己的自传。但是伴随了一个人二十多年的酗酒，拖延和消极对待，是不会那么轻易的改变。于是我们跟着马男一起，看了五年他和他身边的人在各自的性格阴影下挣扎，对抗自己身上的坏习惯。

马男故事的精髓是，每个人身上都有着或多或少的性格缺陷，这些缺陷在不同程度上影响了我们的生活。我们经常可以看到身边的人甚至是我们自己，有更好的机会在面前，却不抓住，眼睁睁看着机会溜走。更加痛苦的是，往往我们意识的到究竟是什么在阻碍着自己，但是却没有办法改变。我们也或许知道改变的办法，但是却缺乏动力的躲回了自我舒适区的小巢，闭起眼睛祈祷黑暗过去。而黑暗，不会过去。

这一季，波杰克终于（不那么）老老实实的去拍了一部会让他重新火起来的连续剧，他有了一段贯穿全季的异性关系，他终于能够反省自己和妹妹以及母亲的关系，在面对巨大压力时终于没有像悲伤的第三季一样走向完全的自我毁灭，而是成长了，虽然这改变渺小而卑微，虽然这匹54岁的老马恐怕很难改变了，但是这仍然是属于他自己的成长。

比如第五季第一集，波杰克不断的向导演抱怨自己出演的人物台词和剧情不合常理。导演认为他只是在求关注，并借助这样的方式增强自己的影响力，听起来是不是很丧。波杰克喜欢上了剧中的女主角，发现她有很多的无意义裸露镜头，便扮演白骑士向导演抗议遮掩的行为物化女性。导演气急败坏的提出那我们来物化一下男性吧，于是要求拍摄一个54岁老男人波杰克正面全裸的镜头，并给了他两个选择，要么承认自己只是在求关注，导演可以回到原来的方案，波杰克将不会面临一场公关危机；要么波杰克可以死撑下去，拍自己全裸的镜头，但是女主角得以幸免。波杰克在痛苦中选择了后者，向世界展现了他的无助。

戴安呢？她终于离了婚，自己踏上了漫长的自我恢复的道路，距离上和工作上都是。令人惊喜的是她没有在片场与花生酱先生有过多的交际，对于她的历史和她在本剧中作为波杰克镜像的标签来说，都是很惊喜的。她的成长更加明显，虽然她会被激情带走，但她显然是更加理性的自己。这一点小小的分化让她终于不再是女性版不知如何是好只知道自我毁灭的波杰克。她也终于不是任何人的附属品，甚至有一点点准备跟世界讲和的味道。

除此之外，还有波杰克的经纪人卡洛琳公主，她依然是我心中的太阳，是本作中最坚定的正能量。在上一季中她最终选择和彬彬有礼的爱人分手，准备一个人领养孩子。在不断的尝试后她终于认清了自己身上的不断燃烧的力量，而当爱人没有办法和自己一起满足自己的梦想时，她必须决定，似乎要选择完美的爱人，还是完美的自己。

当我们长大后，我们终将懂得，每一个选择背后其实并没有那么多的对与错，有的只是选择和适合。有的时候哪怕自己的选择，要割舍掉手边最美好的事物，这也是不得不做的。因为你必须屈膝才能跳得更高，必须清空手上的东西才能扛起更重的奖杯。有舍，才有得。

卡洛琳公主就是这样，回到一个人的生活后她决定完成自己做一个母亲的梦想，做一个母亲，一个爱人，一个女强人，三者兼备她做不到，于是只能割舍。工作依然不停的撕扯着她的时间，现实中的她在一天的败仗打完后露出的疲惫就是她身上的丧，但这仅仅是表象。就像她的角色动物---一只猫一样，她骨子是高傲独立绝不臣服。第五季中我们跟着她回到了出生地，看到了她在少女时代怀孕又流产后是怎么毅然决然的选择离开去追求自己的梦想。她始终正视着命运的难题却永远都没有被命运击倒，这和她所喜爱的女飞行员Amelia Earheart 一样，勇敢的飞向太阳。

而花生酱先生呢？看起来是个男版的卡洛琳公主，但是他那明媚的太阳上也有耀斑。本季用非常精彩的四条时间线交织映射的方式回顾了他四次带着女友去万圣节派对的故事，在时时热情万丈的外表下，我们看到的却是用一个用热情在逃避问题的人，一如用酒精麻醉自己的波杰克。第三季中，我们跟着花生酱先生和他的妻子戴安回到了他出生的地方，跟着戴安的视角我们理解到花生酱先生是一个始终热情四射的人，他的天性是那样的乐观，似乎什么样的苦难都无法影响他。如果我们往人物的背景故事里走，会知道他截止第四季结束一共离了三次婚，看起来他那明媚的太阳上也有耀斑。本季用非常精彩的四条时间线交织映射的方式回顾了他四次带着女友去万圣节派对的故事，每一次他都爱上一个20岁出头的姑娘，却每一次都没能把握住跟她们一起获得幸福的机会，好似在派对上跟她分别半个小时，再找到的就已经不是自己原先认识的那个人了。他的问题随着故事的发展愈演愈烈，放纵着别人用童话来麻痹自己，但其实他拥有这种理性能力，却不愿意使用。这恰恰就是他的伪装，也是他的丧。

说完了人物，便不得不提一下本季讲故事的能力。就单集而言，本季的第六集应该说是夜空中最闪亮的一颗星，在IMDB上单集评分9.9，无限接近满分。这一成就即使是神剧《瑞克和莫迪》也没有做到过，实在是惊为天人。更加伟大的是，从片头曲到片尾曲之间，整个故事都只是波杰克在母亲的葬礼上独白，4个不同的镜头角度始终对着波杰克，仅此而已。

故事一开始，是小时候的波杰克一个人在学校操场等待家人接他回家，所有小伙伴都走光了，父亲才姗姗来迟。上车后父亲就开始不断的责怪波杰克的母亲没给自己做饭，躲在浴室里哭泣就是为了取得自己的注意，全然不顾这是情绪崩溃的表现。然后父亲开始责怪由于母亲没来接波杰克，自己只能中断状态正好的写作过程，来接波杰克放学，还说这是母亲以身作则教给波杰克的道理，那就是不能依靠女人。镜头一转，来到波杰克在母亲的葬礼上发言，他讲述了早上来葬礼之前买早饭的故事，店员日常的问他今天如何，他却觉得这样的问法实在是逼着别人说好，将给出坏消息的责任转嫁给了他人，全然不顾这只是一句如同‘吃了吗’一样的打招呼。

接下来，波杰克开始讲自己和母亲的关系，说到自己从小父母不太管，自己只能从电视剧中学习如何与人沟通。电视剧中，有缺陷的角色总是用夸张的方式来表达他们对爱的理解，但是这不是社会要求我们度过每一天的方式。社会要求我们每一天都做一个完美的人，认真工作学习，和同事朋友友好相处，碰到问题不能撂挑子不干而是要用于承担……总而言之，就是一般鸡汤里所讲述的种种，但是要做到所有这些，真的很难。

由于父母关系不好，两人都将波杰克当成阻碍自己寻求美好生活的原因，于是对他异常冷漠。波杰克似乎寻找着特别是母亲的关注和认可，但是每每无法获得，甚至到了在葬礼现场他都无法想到一个母亲在一生中给他关注的例子。这种对关注的渴望，潜意识的反映在他在葬礼现场为了打破沉默的现场，就假装在跟母亲对话要求母亲回复，玩‘你不说话就当成默认’的游戏。唯一能想起的关注，只有母亲在临终前，她对波杰克说了一句，’I see you’. 于是波杰克不断的解释自己对于这句话的解释，拼命的想把这句话合理化，想证明母亲在某种程度上还是爱自己的。自己母亲对自己的关怀和善意，至少应该比早上卖早饭的女孩在知道波杰克母亲去世后给他的一根免费的西班牙油条中蕴含的善意要多。

最后，他终于反应过来，这只是由于母亲看到自己在ICU重症监护室，所以读出了’ICU’三个字而已。他也终于认识到了残酷的现实，自己终生在追求的母亲的关注，自己从来没有得到过，之后也再也不会得到了。但正是这样痛彻骨髓的认知，让他终于认识到了自己最深的懦弱，在最深的黑暗中，黑暗也会发光。这也最终促使他在本季最后，做出了与自己以往都不同的改变。

必须承认，这一季的马男波杰克给了我惊喜。很多的时候编剧为了省事，不断的给出新角色创造新事件来人为创造冲突，或者挖掘老角色背后的故事来增强人物背后的复杂度，但是这些动作都只是从不同侧面来描写静态的人物。但是第五季越看越令人觉得有趣，剧组在创作的时候有意识的让人物跟之前有些微的不同，他们不再机械式的重复自己的选择，而是成长了，进化了，而且成长的原因我们都看在眼里。这是一种绝妙的体验，仿佛看到了灵魂深处的可能。

跟着马男波杰克看了这么久，观众们也随之成长了，我们藉由这个镜子，看到了自己身上的丧，有些人已经成功脱离了不良的状态，大部分人都还在努力挣扎，但是波杰克都能够做出改变，在那样悲惨的家族命运和成长环境下，那么我们呢？是不是也应该成长呢？

给凯瑟琳公主一个温暖的约会对象

我个人的马男第五季。为什么要一直约会食草动物，吃肉多香！

第六季回来补充：

所有的事最后都会好的，如果没有变好，那么还没到最后。

因为这是你心之所往，只要有方向，就能无往不至。

老虎有老虎的好，老虎是你想成为的楷模，人生中少不了楷模的激励。但最后你并不是为了成为老虎，你也无法成为老虎，你只能成为你自己，并感谢老虎曾经教会了你一点儿什么，这才有了今天的你。

现在看来这个小画儿对我的个人生活也寓意极深。我也没有约会猫科动物，而是嫁给了小白兔。

So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one.

Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”

But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? [inhales] And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.

[people murmuring]

[clears throat]

Anyway, I’m sorry, that’s not part of the… [clears throat] All right. Okay, here we go. Let’s do this. Here I am, BoJack Horseman, doing a eulogy, let’s go. Hey, piano man, can I get a, like an organ flourish? [organ plays] Nicely done. You know, I was a little worried I wouldn’t have the right accompaniment today. I guess it’s a good thing my mom was an organ donor! [rimshot plays] What happened to the organ? [horn ‘oogahs’] Okay, why just leave the comedy to the professionals? Okay? This is a funeral, sir, for my mother. Can you show a little respect? [trumpet whines] I’ll take it.

Beatrice Horseman, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was a horse. Uh, she was born in 1938. She died in 2018. One time, she went to a parade, and one time, she smoked an entire cigarette in one long inhale. I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable woman.

[rustling]

Lived a full life, that lady. Just, all the way to the end, which is, uh, now I guess. Really makes you think, though, huh? Life, right? Goes by, stuff happens. Then you die. Okay, well that’s my time, you’ve been great! Tip your waitress! No, I’m just kidding around, there’s no waitress. But seriously, that’s all I have to say about my mother. No point beating a dead horse, right? So…

[inhales] Now what? I don’t know. Mom, you got any ideas? Anything? Mom? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once if you’re proud of me.

Can I just say how amazing it is to be in a room with my mother, and I can just talk and talk without her telling me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey, Mom, knock once if you think I should shut up. No? You sure? I mean, I don’t want to embarrass you by making this eulogy into a me-logy, so, seriously, if you wanted me to sit down and let someone else talk, just knock. I will not be offended. No? Your funeral.

Sorry about the closed casket, by the way. She wanted an open casket, but uh, you know, she’s dead now, so who cares what she wanted? No, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. I-I think that if she could’ve seen what she looked like dead, she’d agree it’s better this way. She looked like this.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

Kinda like a pissed-off toy dinosaur. The coroner couldn’t get her eyes closed, so now her face is forever frozen in a mask of tremendous horror and anguish. Or as my mom called it, Tuesday! Tuesday! My mom called it Tuesday.

[woman coughs]

Hey, Mom, what did you think of that joke? You like that? You never did care for my comedy.

[clears throat]

Here’s a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket. But when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and I told my mother, and she said, “Let that be a lesson. That’s the good that comes from wanting things.” She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault.

But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket. Even though she didn’t know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me.

Now that’s a good story about my mother. It’s not true, but it’s a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid, where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it, thinking, “That’s the kind of story I want to tell about my parents when they die.” But I don’t have any stories like that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that’s what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn’t enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can’t just screw everything up and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so… hard.

When you’re a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough, that even though your parents aren’t what you need them to be over and over and over again, at any moment, they might surprise you with something… wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down, she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting.

Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your life a little bit brighter.

[owl chirping]

My mother did not go gentle into that good night. She went clawing and fighting and thrashing, hence the face.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

If you’d seen her, I swear to God the only thing you’d be thinking about right now is that I am nailing this impression.

[woman clears her throat]

[chairs squeak]

I was in the hospital with her those last moments, and they were truly horrifying, full of nonsencial screams and cries, but there was this moment, this one instant of strange calm, where she looked in my direction and said, “I see you.” That’s the last thing she said to me. “I see you.” Not a statement of judgment or disappointment, just acceptance and the simple recognition of another person in a room. “Hello there. You are a person. And I see you.”

Let me tell you, it’s a weird thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the first time in your life your mother sees you. It’s an odd realization that that’s the thing you’ve been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn’t feel like a relief, to finally be seen. It feels mean, like, “Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me.” I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid and too tall to be an effective Lindy-hopper. How I was needy and a burden and an embarrassment—all that I was ready for. I was not ready for “I see you.” Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I’m giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn’t about connection. Maybe it was a… maybe it was an “I see you,” like, uh, “I see you.” Like, “You might have the rest of the world fooled, but I know exactly who you are.” That’s more my mom’s speed.

Or maybe she just literally meant “I see you. You are an object that has entered my field of vision.” She was pretty out of it at the end, so maybe it’s dumb to try to attribute it to anything.

[woman sighs]

Back in the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show called Horsin’ Around.

[man coughs]

Please hold your applause. And I remember one time, a fan asked me, “Hey, um, you know that episode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dance because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? In all the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup’s missing. Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?” And I didn’t have the heart to be, like, “No, man, some crew guy just left their coffee cup in the shot.” So instead, I was, like… “Yeah.”

And maybe this is like that coffee cup. Maybe we’re dumb to try to pin significance onto every little thing. Maybe when someone says, “I see you,” it just means, “I see you.” Then again, it’s possible she wasn’t even talking to me because, if I’m being honest, she wasn’t really looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I want to think she was talking to me, but, honestly, she was so far gone at that point, who knows what she was seeing? Who were you talking to, Mom? [sighs] Not saying, huh? Staying mum? No rimshot there? God, whatever I’m paying you, it’s too much.

Maybe she saw my dad. My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, “Wait, did you say he died in a duel?” and “Who dies in a duel?” The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn’t get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn’t understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn’t like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He’d even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed: ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he’d actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.

[murmur]

I wish I’d known to go to Jack in the Box then. Maybe I could have gotten a free churro. It would’ve been nice to have something to show for being the son of Butterscotch Horseman. My darling mother gave the eulogy. My entire life I never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said, “My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.”

“My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.” I don’t know why she said that. Maybe she felt like that’s the kind of thing you’re supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped one day someone would say that about her. “My mother is dead, and everything is worse now.” Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her inheritance, and replaced it with crippling debt, which is a pretty shitty thing to leave your widow with. “Bad news, you lost a husband, but don’t worry, you also lost the house!” Maybe Mom knew she’d have to sell all her fancy jewelry and move into a home. Maybe that’s what she meant by “everything is worse now.” Is that what you meant, Mom?

I gotta say, I’m really carrying this double act. At least with Penn and Teller, the quiet one does card tricks. Hey, piano man, when I say something funny to my mom, how about you give me one of those rimshots?

[rimshot plays]

Yeah, but not now. When I say something funny. Like, okay. What’s the difference between my mother and a disruptive expulsion of germs? One’s a coughin’ fit and the other fits a coffin! That’s an example of a funny thing.

[rimshot plays]

Thank you. Let’s try again. Hey, Mom. What’s the difference between my mother and a bunch of Easter eggs? One gets carried in a basket, the other gets buried in a casket!

[rimshot plays]

Ready for one more? Last one. What’s the difference between a first-year lit major and my mother, Beatrice Horseman? One is decently read, and the other’s a huge bitch!

[woman gasps]

[murmurs]

Yeah, might have gone a little too far with that one. That one might’ve been a little too “my mom’s a huge bitch” for the room. I’m sorry, Mother. You’re not a huge bitch. You were a huge bitch… and now you’re dead.

[woman sighs]

You know, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience, it actually was, uh, with my mom. She used to put on these shows with her supper club in the living room and she used to make… [inhales] She used to make me sing “The Lollipop Song.”

[organ playing tune]

Those parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts, and ethnically insensitive vaudeville routines, and the big finale was always a dance my mother did. She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties, and she did this incredible number. It was so beautiful and sad. Dad hated the parties. He’d lock himself in the study, and bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance. He’d linger in the doorway, scotch in hand, and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married… took flight. And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something. We understood each other in a way. Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it’s like to feel your entire life like you’re drowning, with the exception of these moments, these very rare, brief instances, in which you suddenly remember… you can swim.

[flashback]

[partygoers laughing]

[classical music playing]

But then again, mostly not. Mostly you’re drowning. She understood that, too. And she recognized that I understood it. And Dad. All three of us were drowning, and we didn’t know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together. And I would like to think that that’s what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said, “I see you.”

You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you’re next. I mean, you know, obviously it’s not like there’s a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.

I actually had a near-death experience recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I’m an actor, I do my own stunts. I’m on this new show Philbert. I’m Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn’t come out yet, but it’s already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz… [inhales] I’m supposed to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up ‘cause of the shooting schedule, I don’t even know what morning means anymore. There’s a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who’s been to so many funerals, he doesn’t even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves. [gulps]

Anyway, you know what I thought, when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? “Won’t they be sorry.” Cool thought, brain.

[rimshot plays]

No, that wasn’t… would you just… dial it back, all right?

I don’t even know what “they” I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I was. And of course, my dad’s dead. The last conversation I ever had with him was about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy. Maybe he thought it would vindicate him for all the shitty things he ever did in his stupid worthless life. Maybe it did, I don’t know. I never read it, because why would I give him that?

I used to be on this TV show called Horsin’ Around. Seriously, though, hold your applause.

[man coughs]

Well held. It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz, who’s also dead now, and it starred this little girl named Sarah Lynn. And it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note, “Maybe don’t mention they’re orphans so much, because audiences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable.” But I never thought that the orphans were sad. I-I always thought they were lucky, because they could imagine their parents to be anything they wanted. They had something to long for.

Anyway, we did this one season finale, where Olivia’s birth mother comes to town. And she was a junkie, but she’s gotten herself cleaned up, and she wants to be in Olivia’s life again. And of course, she’s like a perfect grown-up version of Olivia, and they go to the mall together and get her ears pierced like she’s always wanted and—sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of Horsin’ Around, if you’re still working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warn her, “Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down.” But Olivia just thinks the horse is jealous, and when the mom says she’s moving to California, Olivia decides to go with her. And the network really juiced the cliffhanger: “Is Olivia gone for good?” But of course, because it’s a TV show, she was not gone for good. Of course, because it’s a TV show, Olivia’s mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab, so Olivia had to hitchhike all the way home, getting rides from Mr. T, Alf, and the cast of Stomp. Of course, that’s what happened. Because, what are you gonna do, just not have Olivia on the show? You can’t have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because, if everyone’s happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show… has to keep going. There’s always more show. And you can call Horsin’ Around dumb, or bad, or unrealistic, but there is nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending, ‘cause there’s always more show.

I guess until there isn’t.

[chuckles]

My mom would hate it if she knew that I spent so much time at her funeral talking about my old TV show. Or maybe she’d think it was funny that her idiot son couldn’t even do this right. Who knows? She left no instructions for what she wanted me to say. All I know is she wanted an open casket, and her idiot son couldn’t even do that right. I’m not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that woman, even though so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me, and… “I-C-U.”

“I… see… you.” Jesus Christ, we were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign. My mom died and all I got was this free churro.

You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack in the Box didn’t even know me. I’m your son! All I had was you! [inhales]

I have this friend. And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later, she told me that she didn’t understand why she was still upset, because she never even liked her father. It made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died. And I’m going through the same thing now. You know what it’s like? It’s like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just—it couldn’t put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that’s what losing a parent is like. It’s like Becker.

Suddenly, you realize you’ll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you’d never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn’t even realize it until that chance went away.

My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “BoJack Horseman, I see you.” But I guess it’s good to know. It’s good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it’s good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now and it’s good. It’s good that I know that. So… it’s good my mother is dead.

[gulps, sighs]

Well. No point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea… what she wanted. Unless she just wanted what we all want… to be seen.

Is this Funeral Parlor B?

—— from Reddit

第五季第二集

突然就想到Diane &Bojack的关系。

两个人是很好的朋友，但两个人是哪种朋友呢？

是那种我懂你，你也懂我的朋友。

是那种我在你面前全然表达真实感受不用伪装的朋友。

是可以展现脆弱的朋友。

因为真实就是破碎。

而这种懂得，是对生活无奈的懂得，是对丧的懂得。

是知道人间不值得，但还在挣扎的时候，相视一笑的“IGetIt”。

是外在体面，但一起喝酒就酩酊大醉，但醒来后还是尴尬的离场。

不然怎么办呢。

人间真实吗？

两个很丧的人，两个都很明白的人，但却活不明白，只能在各自的生活中奋力挣扎，期待出现一颗救命稻草，但终了或无所得。

他们好像是愿意“众人皆醉我独醒”的人，因为清醒，所以反而又用喝醉来伪装。

经常看到弹幕有人在刷，希望两个人在一起。

我说，两个人不能在一起，那么像的两个人，如果在一起，岂不是都要落到黑洞里，那里有深渊，并且即使低到尘埃也无法开出花来。